the day started out so innocent looking and sunshiney! silly, silly me. i was due for a day like this.
would you like a dramatic, whiny recap? well, of course you would…
yes, i am painting. but the past couple of weeks, as fun as they have been, have also been mere fooling around with the paint and brushes. how do i know this? because today i went completely into my creative center, my “zone”, so to speak, and i felt the huge difference between being there and being in the place in my mind where i have been dabbling from in recent days. i know it sounds like a wonderful thing — and it is! — but it is also terrifying.
i was into it so deeply that nothing else mattered. all i could feel was color, light, lines, shadows, and i didn’t want to come back. this is causing a huge conflict inside of me at the moment. i get panicked and think that if i allow myself to go to that place inside as often as i need and want to in able to work, everything else in my life is going to suffer for it.
so today i had a mini-freakout just trying to think of ways that i can possibly juggle doing my work full time, keeping my marriage healthy, and managing a household with some degree of efficiency. for some reason, my brain never seems to be capable of switching gears and combining roles like that. i can manage to perform in one role extremely well until i am exhausted; then i do another role.
the mini-freakazoid panick attack was the most upsetting thing to happen today.
but after that came the flat tire on my car. J. said “No problem, I’ll handle it,” and switched vehicles with me at the convent during lunchtime. problem solved? um, no. a couple hours later i go out to start his truck only to find that the duplicate key i have would not turn in the ignition. i had to repeatedly try to get ahold of him at his office — for nearly 45 minutes, because of course, he went to drop off the flat to have it fixed! — and then i had to wait for him to drive to the convent and give me his truck key. all the while he is smirking at me like: “I can’t believe you can’t turn a darn key, woman…” but what could i do? the damn thing wouldn’t work!
after that i ran a bunch of goofy errands which annoyed the fuck outta me, too. dorky people, driving dorkishly, and getting their dorky selves in my way. by the time i finally get home, my housewife mentality is kicking in full gear and beating me up because i don’t have a clue what to make for dinner and at this point i don’t even care. then i looked at the kitchen floor that needs to be scrubbed, and the bathroom that needs to be cleaned, and both cats are screaming at me for their little treat that i stupidly got them addicted to having at this time in the afternoon.